You're So Wonderful To Think About (But So Hard To Live Without)
by psychoInnocent
Summary: (Crossposted from AO3. Canon divergent. Has spoilers for Ch. 111 of Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation/Mo Dao Zu Shi.) Lan Sizhui was his sun, after Wei Ying died. Now his sun is gone, and Wei Ying has returned.


**_Wei Wuxian_**

Wei Wuxian had only looked away for a moment- a moment, to raise the corpses of the Mo family.

The next, the cursed arm was buried in the Lan disciple's chest, right between the protective folds of his robes.

For a horrible moment, those white robes turned gold, and Wei Wuxian's control on the corpses flickered. _'I'm sorry Shijie, I failed again.'_

The other boy- Lan Jingyi- wordlessly _screamed_. He charged at the arm, his sword attacking wildly, nowhere near the finesse it had been earlier.

The arm pulled itself out of Lan Sizhui's corpse, deflecting the desperate attack from the teen, advancing on him.

Red eyes flashed.

"_Get **away from him!**_" The corpses moved with his roar, slamming into the arm with a ferocity no one had seen before.

Wei Wuxian grabbed Lan Jingyi by the waist, pulling the stunned teen away from the fighting- away from his friend's body.

(He tried not to think about Jin Zixuan)

(He failed.)

"_Sizhui! Lan Yuan! **Lan Yuan!**_" Lan Jingyi was struggling in his arms as his voice growing hoarser, eyes focused on the still body.

The corpses fell, one by one, to the might of the cursed arm.

The disciples were all shell shocked, fearful whispers in the air. It was clear the only thing keeping them from running was their pride.

Then-

The strumming of guqin rang through the clearing.

xXx

_"We received a request from Mo Village. There are reports of Fierce Corpse sightings."_

_"Lan Sizhui, you'll be in charge of this night hunt." Lan Qiren looked over the young man. "You can pick your team- report to HunGuang-Jun and ZeWu-Jun before departing."_

_"Yes Sir!"_

xXx

The arm was sealed.

Only then did Lan Wangji approach the fallen figure. He fell to his knees, his shaking, pale hand reaching out, cupping the young man's cheek. Wei Wuxian's hold slackened as he watched Lan Wangji take a deep, shaky breath, reaching to, ever so gently, shut Sizhui's eyes.

Jingyi pushed out of Wei Wuxian's grip, tumbling as he reached Sizhui's other side, tears falling freely as he tried to speak.

The words never came.

xXx

There was something heartbreaking about watching Lan Wangji remove his outer robes, carefully wrapping them around the young man to hide his wound. He held Sizhui in his arms, holding him like someone would hold a sleeping toddler. Lan Jingyi stood beside him, face pale, his eyes never leaving Lan Sizhui's.

Wei Wuxian, after some hesitation, collected Lan Sizhui's sword and guqin before approaching Lan Wangji, bowing as he offered them to him.

"HunGuang-Jun, as the acting head of the Mo family," _As everyone else is dead_, he thought privately. "Please, let us know if you need anything. Medical care, transport, anything."

He paused for a moment, before adding softly. "We can prepare funeral rites for Young Master Lan here. Or prepare him for the journey back to Gusu."

"..." To anyone else, Lan Wangji looked unaffected. But Wei Wuxian remembered how he had been inside the Xuanwu Cave. To Wei Wuxian, he looked like a grieving parent- his eyes were misty, locked somewhere far away. His shoulders were tense, his lips thin and pale. Slowly, he gestured to Jingyi to take Sizhui's things, barely reacting as the teen carefully placed the guqin and sword around his back, resting against his own.

"Thank you." Lan Wangji said quietly, inclining his head.

_'Who is this boy, for Lan Zhan to be so grief stricken?'_ Wei Wuxian wondered, even as he called for the shaken servants to aid the Lan disciples.

X X X

**_Lan Wangji_**

Lan Wangji left once he was certain the others were being treated. Lan Jingyi, in an act of loyal defiance, met the Sect heir outside.

There was something akin to gratitude in Lan Wangji's eyes.

X X X

Missives were sent, courtesy of Lan Xichen.

(If they were written in shaky calligraphy, no one could fault him.)

Lan Qiren had half heartedly argued, though his voice held no malice.

(Lan Sizhui had saved Wangji, all those years ago. Who would help him now?)

And Lan Wangji?

He stayed in the bìnyíguǎn, his fingers laced with his son's, transferring spiritual energy into the body.

(It was as useless as it had been in the Burial Mounds.)

X x X

Wei Ying's nephew was distraught.

That was the only thought that echoed in Lan Wangji's mind as Jin Ling barged into the room, his face stricken in grief. He inhaled sharply at the sight of Lan Sizhui, something young and vulnerable crossing his face.

_'He's too proud to admit he's friends with us.'_ A ghost laughed in Lan Wangji's mind, affection laced in his voice. _'Young Master Jin is just that type of person.'_

Sect Leader Jiang followed after his nephew, sympathy evident as he looked between Jin Ling and Lan Wangji.

Silently, he bowed to Lan Wangji before he placed a gentle hand on his nephew's shoulder. "Lan Wangji, on behalf on Yunmeng Jiang and Lanling Jin, please accept our condolences."

It was an olive branch- offered between Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui's budding friendship.

Lan Wangji accepted it, hoping it'd keep him from drowning.

X x X

This was not the first funeral Lan Wangji had attended.

(Jin Zixuan's had been an elaborate affair. Jin Guangshan had spared no expense in honoring his son.)

(Wei Ying's had been tiny, with Wangji's gupin strings playing a song as a prayer.)

Lan Sizhui had been well-liked throughout the Cloud Recesses. He was quick to help and slow to anger. He had gone on a few night hunts, and knew disciples from other sects.

Yunmeng Jiang, Lanling Jin, and Qinghe Nie Sects all came. Jin Guangyao and Nie Huaisang, due to their connection to Lan Xichen, had come to offer their own condolences.

(Nie Huaisang looked especially grieved- but then, he had lost his brother not too long ago. He understood.)

Jin Ling was with his uncle, his eyes red with tears. Jiang Cheng had his arm around his nephew, whispering softly whenever Jin Ling spoke.

Lan Jingyi was with the other Lan disciples, his expression haunted and full of guilt as the others spoke around him.

He carefully never looked over to Jin Ling's side of the room, and Lan Wangji couldn't spare the energy to guess why.

(He'd find out later, when Jingyi broke down in front of him. How Jin Ling had accused him of failing to protect Lan Sizhui. How he should have died instead of Sizhui-)

(Words borne of anger, of pain. Lan Wangji could only pull Jingyi into an embrace as the young man sobbed.)

X x X

Lan Wangji was surprised to see Mo Xuanyu- but then, he shouldn't have been. His brother had spoken with the disciples- they would have told him about Young Master Mo.

Mo Xuanyu, looking far less disheveled then he had that fateful day, approached Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen. His face was cleaned of the garish makeup it had had all those days ago.

He offered them a weak smile, stating softly. "I have no gift to offer Young Master Lan, but with HunGuang-Jun's permission, I would like to thank Young Master Lan the only way I can." He held up a _dizi_, nodding towards Lan Wangji.

Lan Wangji didn't react. Lan Xichen, on Wangji's other side, smiled politely and nodded. "Sizhui would have appreciated the gesture, Young Master Mo."

The other man offered a faint smile, and began to play.

At first, Lan Wangji didn't react. But as the _dizi_ played, he slowly began to raise his head, staring at Mo Xuanyu with widened eyes.

He said nothing, but tears began to fall.

X x X

_"Lan Yuan is almost 15 now, is he not Wangji?"_

_"Mn."_

_"Have you thought about a courtesy name?"_

_"...Sizhui."_

_"...After all these years?"_

_"Mn."_

X x X

**_Wei Wuxian_**

When Lan Wangji had approached him after the funeral, Wei Wuxian had been in the middle of planning his departure.

He had no intention of going to the Cloud Recesses initially, but the letter from Lan Xichen changed his mind. He had known that Lan Sizhui was part of the direct Lan family- his patterned ribbon had been obvious- but he hadn't realized how close to the Sect clan leaders he must've been.

(But then, hadn't Lan Zhan held Lan Sizhui like a parent would a child?)

Maybe it was the guilt gnawing at his heart, but Wei Wuxian… wanted to see him again. Pay his respects.

_(Apologize)_

xXx

The memorial was extravagant, compared to typical Lan Sect affairs.

Sizhui's coffin was dark, decorated with lacquered cloud designs of Gusu Lan Sect, with a small sun peeking out from the corner of each cloud.

An altar was placed before the coffin. A portrait of Lan Sizhui was placed there, with two candles lighting each side.

Wei Wuxian watched in curiosity as the funeral commenced.

Lan Wangji sat to the side of the altar, his appearance immaculate but his gaze dull and far away. In his hands, he held three covered plaques.

Lan Xichen, as Sect Leader, spoke first. Wei Wuxian tried to focus on what he said, but his eyes kept drifting to Lan Wangji.

_He looks tired._ Wei Wuxian mused as Lan Xichen thanked them for arriving. One of the Lan Disciples handed him a red envelope, which Wei Wuxian took absently.

The other sect leaders approached the altar, bowing their respects to Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen. Jin Ling, at his uncle's side, offered Lan Wangji a small bouquet full of the Jin Sect's famed peonies.

Lan Wangji took it, resting the bouquet against the plaques in his lap as the queue continued, small gifts piling next to him as people paid their respects.

Wei Wuxian, after a moment, joined the throng of people. He held a dizi in his hand- a black and gold one that he found jammed in one of the shelves in Madame Mo's room. The characters _Mo Meihui_ were engraved in the wood, looking well loved and well worn.

(Mo Meihui was Mo Xuanyu's mother, he heard the servants whisper. A talented dizi player, who, with a smile and a song, charmed her way into Xuanyu's father's graces.)

Wei Wuxian fiddled with the _dizi_ as the line moved, trying to settle on a melody to wish Sizhui well. Most of the tunes he played were to raise fierce corpses, not put a soul to rest.

After a moment, a melody fluttered to his mind, and he smiled.

He didn't notice Lan Wangji's tears until he finished.

X x X

Lan Wangji was carrying the plaques he had been holding at the funeral. As Wei Wuxian straightened to greet him, Lan Wangji's expression turned… _complicated_, his grip tightening on the wooden slabs in his arms.

"Please, come with me."

"Where are you taking me?"

"...To see Sizhui."

"I-" He hesitated, seeing the look in Lan Wangji's eyes. With a sigh, he nodded. "Alright."

Lan Wangji inclined his head before he turned, guiding Wei Wuxian to the Lan Sect's cemetery- one of the few places in the Cloud Recesses he had never seen in his previous life.

Wei Wuxian glanced at the plaques in Lan Wangji's arms, his mind whirling around. Were they, perhaps, Sizhui's family? But then, why were there three? Unless Lan Zhan wasn't Sizhui's birth father-

He was startled out of his thoughts as they approached the cemetery, only to turn to another entrance- The Lan Family Crypt, where the direct descendents of Lan An were buried.

Lan Wangji entered without a thought, but Wei Wuxian lingered at the entrance, awkwardness bubbling in his mind.

"Are you sure I can enter here? Isn't this place… well… forbidden to outsiders?"

"You are permitted." Lan Wangji said quietly, meeting Wei Wuxian's eyes. Something there reassured him, and Wei Wuxian offered a faint smile in return.

"If you say so HunGuang-Jun."

The other man shook his head and led him down the hall, their footsteps echoing in the candlelit chamber as they walked. Finally, his steps slowed and stopped in front of a vault.

It was decorated lightly, paintings hanging from the walls. Lan Sizhui's sword and guqin were placed above the coffin, cleaned and polished. His names were engraved in the coffin- _Lan Sizhui_ and _Lan Yuan_ obvious in the candlelight.

Lan Zhan kneeled in front of Sizhui's coffin, carefully arranging the plaques.

"Who are they?" Wei Wuxian couldn't help but ask, taking in Lan Wangji's conflicted expression.

Lan Wangji said nothing, but instead reached out to remove one of the veils.

_Song Liqin_

_Born: Unknown_

_Died: Unknown, between Xuan Zheng Year 22 Ren Qu and Xuan Zheng Year 25 Yi Qui_

Wei Wuxian sucked in a breath as Lan Wangji reached out to remove the second.

_Wen Ju-long_

_Born: Unknown_

_Died: Unknown, between Xuan Zheng Year 22 Ren Qu and Xuan Zheng Year 25 Yi Qui_

"Wen?" His eyes went wide, and a feeling of dread curled in his heart as Lan Wangji removed the final veil.

_Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian_

_Born: 10/31_

_Died: Xuan Zheng Year 25 Yi Qui_

"Wei Ying." Lan Wangji looked at him, pinning him with a pained expression.

"It can't-" His hands were trembling. He took a step back, his eyes flitting between the plaque and Lan Sizhui's name.

His birth name.

Lan Yuan

Wen Yuan

A-Yuan

X x X

_"A-Yuan, stay here."_

_"Xian-gege!"_

_"A-Yuan, promise me. Stay here."_

_"No! I wanna stay with gege!"_

_"A-Yuan, please! I-" A deep breath. "...You're safer here qin'ai de." A hand reached out, smoothing the boy's hair._

_"Grow up strong Wen Yuan. I'm sorry I can't be here for you."_

X x X

"You're lying."

His hands were shaking.

No, he corrected blankly as he hugged himself. He was shaking.

Faces flashed before his eyes.

Granny Wen, pushing A-Yuan into his arms with a strained smile on her face. _"Get him away from here Wei Ying."_

Wen Qing, apologizing as she walked away.

Jiang Yanli, dying to protect him.

Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan, fighting to protect Yunmeng Jiang- to protect their children.

"I really am a curse." He whispered quietly, sinking to the ground, pressing his forehead against his knees as he tried to contain the well of grief.

It was silent, throughout the crypt. Then, a sound of shuffling, and familiar notes began to play. Wei Wuxian forced himself to listen, breathing in as the song slowly calmed him down and faded away.

"Wei Ying." Lan Wangji slowed down, his fingers still as his eyes met Wei Wuxian's. Lan Wangji tilted his head, gesturing for Wei Wuxian to join him.

Wei Wuxian hesitated before coming to Lan Wangji's side, turning to face the coffin before him.

(It was obvious now, what the design meant. The fact that Lan Zhan _remembered_. The fact that he _dared_ to show off Lan Yuan's heritage in front of everyone-)

Lan Wangji took a deep breath, and strummed the guqin.

It took Wei Wuxian a moment to recognize it- "**_Inquiry_**?" Lan Wangji nodded, playing the notes with practiced ease.

Lan Wangji barely stopped playing before a little ball of light appeared, hopping between the strings to play a greeting.

Wei Wuxian's breath caught, and he clenched his hands in his robes, his eyes never leaving the little light.

"A-Yuan." He whispered, his voice shaky _(fearful)_. "A-Yuan I'm sorry." _I'm sorry I left you behind. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I came back and still couldn't protect you._

The little spirit darted between the strings, a soft melody coming from the instrument. Lan Wangji translated, his voice rough as he spoke. "I don't blame either of you, _mama_, HunGuang-Jun. Jingyi and the others are safe, and that's the important part."

He felt his heart ache as Lan Wangji carefully spoke, the words mama lingering in the air. A sense of longing grew in his heart as he watched the spirit- he had wanted to see Wen Yuan grow up, to see him fall in love, to _know_ the young man that Lan Wangji had clearly raised and loved as his own.

Instead he cleared his throat, his voice solemn as he spoke. "A-Yuan, I promise that we will find out who that arm belongs to. We will find your murderer." The words came out with a growl, a veiled threat and promise lying in his words.

"I know." The spirit stopped for a moment, before creeping along the strings. "Don't be rash mama. Baba," and here, Lan Wangji's voice shudders. "Baba only has you and shufu now."

"A-Yuan." Lan Wangji cleared his throat, his fingers stilling for a moment before he played a few more notes. "Qin'ai de, I am proud of you."

The spirit danced on the strings, a teasing laugh echoing from the guqin. Lan Wangji didn't translate, but Wei Wuxian could guess, just by watching Lan Wangji's gaze soften.

"We'll see you again one day." Lan Wangji promised, quietly. He hesitated before he extended his hand, offering his pinky to the spirit. Wei Wuxian couldn't stop the startled laugh that escaped him, riveted as the little spirit leaped up, landing on Lan Wangji's finger before returning to the strings.

(Was Lan Wangji crying? Wei Wuxian couldn't tell through his own tears, but then, he wasn't one to judge.)

"I know you will. Goodbye for now, mama, baba." Lan Sizhui's soul pulsed once, twice, and faded.

Wei Wuxian wiped his eyes before taking a deep breath, turning towards Lan Wangji.

"Thank you, Lan Zhan. For everything."

A small smile answered him, and, as Wei Wuxian lit some incense, he felt his broken heart mend.

Just a little.

X x X

Notes:

\- Qin'ai de (亲爱的): darling - Used between a Parent and their child or significant others. I just wanted something cute for WangXian to call their son okay.

\- It is canon that Lan Wangji adopts Lan Sizhui. It's specifically noted by WWX that Lan Sizhui's forehead ribbon markings mean he's blood related to the head family of the Lan Sect.

-Lan Wangji transferring Spirit Energy into Lan Sizhui to keep the body fresh is blatantly stolen from Scum Villain.


End file.
